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Letters to The Age
 
Last updated: Thu, 28-Aug-2014
 
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This is a selection of recent letters of mine to The Age, which they have refused to publish.
Of course sometimes I write the letter just for my web site, assuming The Age won't publish it...
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IPA's beneficiaries are asset stripping Our ABC
Dear Editor

Re: Bronwyn Benn's letter (17-Aug-2012) referring to kicking IPA functionaries off ABC TV shows like The Drum
and QandA.

Errr, Bronwyn, the reason those shows are made is to guarantee public subsidies for IPA's benefactors.
It's cynically asset stripping the ABC, i.e. the taxpayer, i.e. you. So, why on Earth do you watch them?
        
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Shark Attacks on Divers
Dear Editor

Why do wet suit manufacturers persist in fabricating
black wet suits?

Surely a pale blue/green colour would make more sense,
in order to more cunningly blend in with the water,
hence confusing the shark's seal-recognition brain processes.
        
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Myki Card Readers
Dear Editor

Here's my new design for the much unloved Myki card readers.

Put multiple readers on a vertical stalk. Start with 2 or 3
on the same level, spread out evenly around the stalk.

Then, at busy stations, put another 2 or 3 on a higher level,
e.g. 10 cm above the first set.

That way, people can stand on all sides of the pole
simultaneously and swipe.

Also, redesign the reader itself to be a slot-type, so users
just had to hold the card between 2 fingers and slip it in and
out of the slot.

This is to minimize the size of the reader, and make them
easier to pack closely.
        
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The Cooking Show Crisis
Hi Editor

I have an great idea for a new television series - A cooking show!

No, no, bear with me...

It's based on cannibalism of course, like all cooking shows.

But instead of cannibalising foreign cultures for ever more
exotic dishes, we cannibalise the cooks themselves!

Yes, I'm serious - We line up cooks to cook other cooks, in a giant
reduction, so to speak.

Eventually, we end up with just 1 cook, who, as part of the recipe
book tie-in, cooks themselves for the delectation of the book reviewers.

That way, we never have to watch another cooking show again.

The series will be called "Cook! Off! The Menu!".
        
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The Greek Economic Crisis
Dear Ms Kissane

The problem with the Greek referendum proposal was that, I suspect,
it was a trap.

Greek citizens will have to suffer much financially, and those voting in
such a referendum were being set up to be framed as having caused that pain.

That's because, no matter what the outcome, the politicians would simply
say the action taken was based on what the voters had insisted be done.

Hence it was engineered to let the bankers and politicians off the hook.
        
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The Kyle Sandilands Crisis
Hi Folks

News flash: Kyle Sandilands has just released a new face creme.

He recommends applying it at least 10 times a day. That's what he does.

It's called Vitamin FU.

Thing is, each time he rubs it into his face, it removes all visible signs of intelligence.
        
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The Age is a conservative newspaper published in Melbourne, Australia.
Unfortunately, no matter how bad it is, it's the best offering available.
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